NiNi* (xrockangelx) wrote,

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Mmph... Is it morning yet?

*sigh* Sometimes it feels like telling someone that you love and care about them somehow just defeats the purpose. Like, for example, I wonder, "Does it come off as an advertisement if I tell you?" Oh, look at me, I'm so great because I care about you! Aww, I'm such a nice girl. ...And it's not like that. It's much deeper than that. It's the kind of thing that I wish I could be there to show more often. But when I can't, the next best thing is just to say it. And I wish I could be sure that he really understands how much I honestly love him... because a lot of times I feel like maybe he doesn't get it.

Or maybe he wishes that I didn't -I mean, not truly, but maybe just because it would be easier. It's not like either of us is ready to settle down, so I guess in ways, it's tough to acknowledge the depth. But for me, I don't know about him, it's not the act of acknowledging it that's hard, it's more the consequences of acknowledging it. But I also don't really feel like I have much of a choice because it's nothing that I know how to deny. And even if I did, what good would it do for me or anyone?

To be honest, lately I've been feeling sort of like maybe -ha, you can tell how confident I am about this- I've been feeling sort of like maybe the things that I need aren't really matching up with the things that I want. I've been a little bit (or maybe a lot) afraid to really let myself consider what I need because it might mean letting go of things that I unquestionably want. And it might be scary to do that. And, despite my loving ghost stories and horror movies, no, I really don't like being scared. Not the real kind of scared. What's funny is that for all the amount of effort I make to avoid being really scared, I still am afraid a lot.

I know that the only thing that will fix that is for me to face up to things, and in my disorganized thoughtful way, I know kind of vaguely what some of the things are that I could start with. I keep telling myself that I'm going to. I even tell others that I'm going to. When it comes down to it, though, I get stage fright. I feel like everyone's watching me and judging me. I feel afraid that I'll make a fool of myself or, worse, really screw up and end up hurting myself somehow... So, ultimately, I end up feeling dumb and cowardly and worthless. -Only, I try to ignore that when I can nowadays because if I don't, I know that I'll probably just have to deal with being crazy and depressed again.

It makes me feel guilty... It makes me feel like a weight and a waste of time to others. Like maybe I should be left behind for awhile. Then everyone could go about their businesses and not be bothered by me, and I could have all the space ever to make a fool of myself without anyone watching until I get things straightened out again. That's not a very realistic situation, though. Things probably wouldn't work out that way.

I wish I could skip ahead and back again. What if I could flip through my life like a book or magazine? Read ahead, read behind, read any part I want to... Heck, I could even read things over if I wanted to! But we aren't allowed to read ahead. Authors can't tell the endings of their books until they write them. All there is to read is what has been written before, either by us or by someone else.

*sigh* Once again, I've gotten distracted from my goal in writing. I guess all I was trying to do, though, was tell what I can't seem to show, either because of distance or because of approach. And then I wrote that telling doesn't seem to be enough, so there ya go.

I just don't know. Sometimes I think that's the ultimate answer to life and everything that ever was, is, or ever will be. I just don't know.
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