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Thursday, April 10th, 2008

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:Everything's So Distractingly Upside Down
Time:9:38 am.
Mood: drained.
It's hard to focus on doing anything.

Something's got to give.

Wednesday, September 26th, 2007

-1 squish - I wish to squish!-

Time:8:45 pm.
Mood: pleased.
Wow. It's been like 4 months, almost 5, since I've written here. Well, I'm pretty sure I still exist, and I'm doing fine and well and good, in case you were wondering. :)

Sunday, May 6th, 2007

-2 squish es - I wish to squish!-

Time:1:42 pm.
I just want a place to belong. I want a place that I can be and feel good about myself and my life. I want a place that wants me to be there that I am happy being in.

Right now I feel like I'm nowhere like that and like no one wants me. Ouch. C'est la vie.

Thursday, March 22nd, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:Sometimes I realize reality
Time:1:34 pm.
Mood: wonderment and amuse.
It's sort of like coming down from the moon. And both places are pretty equally amazing to be.

Tuesday, March 13th, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:Mmph... Is it morning yet?
Time:5:20 pm.
Mood: blah.
*sigh* Sometimes it feels like telling someone that you love and care about them somehow just defeats the purpose. Like, for example, I wonder, "Does it come off as an advertisement if I tell you?" Oh, look at me, I'm so great because I care about you! Aww, I'm such a nice girl. ...And it's not like that. It's much deeper than that. It's the kind of thing that I wish I could be there to show more often. But when I can't, the next best thing is just to say it. And I wish I could be sure that he really understands how much I honestly love him... because a lot of times I feel like maybe he doesn't get it.

Or maybe he wishes that I didn't -I mean, not truly, but maybe just because it would be easier. It's not like either of us is ready to settle down, so I guess in ways, it's tough to acknowledge the depth. But for me, I don't know about him, it's not the act of acknowledging it that's hard, it's more the consequences of acknowledging it. But I also don't really feel like I have much of a choice because it's nothing that I know how to deny. And even if I did, what good would it do for me or anyone?

To be honest, lately I've been feeling sort of like maybe -ha, you can tell how confident I am about this- I've been feeling sort of like maybe the things that I need aren't really matching up with the things that I want. I've been a little bit (or maybe a lot) afraid to really let myself consider what I need because it might mean letting go of things that I unquestionably want. And it might be scary to do that. And, despite my loving ghost stories and horror movies, no, I really don't like being scared. Not the real kind of scared. What's funny is that for all the amount of effort I make to avoid being really scared, I still am afraid a lot.

I know that the only thing that will fix that is for me to face up to things, and in my disorganized thoughtful way, I know kind of vaguely what some of the things are that I could start with. I keep telling myself that I'm going to. I even tell others that I'm going to. When it comes down to it, though, I get stage fright. I feel like everyone's watching me and judging me. I feel afraid that I'll make a fool of myself or, worse, really screw up and end up hurting myself somehow... So, ultimately, I end up feeling dumb and cowardly and worthless. -Only, I try to ignore that when I can nowadays because if I don't, I know that I'll probably just have to deal with being crazy and depressed again.

It makes me feel guilty... It makes me feel like a weight and a waste of time to others. Like maybe I should be left behind for awhile. Then everyone could go about their businesses and not be bothered by me, and I could have all the space ever to make a fool of myself without anyone watching until I get things straightened out again. That's not a very realistic situation, though. Things probably wouldn't work out that way.

I wish I could skip ahead and back again. What if I could flip through my life like a book or magazine? Read ahead, read behind, read any part I want to... Heck, I could even read things over if I wanted to! But we aren't allowed to read ahead. Authors can't tell the endings of their books until they write them. All there is to read is what has been written before, either by us or by someone else.

*sigh* Once again, I've gotten distracted from my goal in writing. I guess all I was trying to do, though, was tell what I can't seem to show, either because of distance or because of approach. And then I wrote that telling doesn't seem to be enough, so there ya go.

I just don't know. Sometimes I think that's the ultimate answer to life and everything that ever was, is, or ever will be. I just don't know.

Saturday, March 3rd, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:Boys, boys, boys...
Time:11:49 pm.
Mood: flustered and flirty.
I hate loving boys... But it's so much fun. *sigh* Why are they so lovable? Lol, it's so funny. Sometimes I think girls are way hotter than guys, but then I think guys are way more lovable than girls. And when lovable guys are hot, it just kills me.

Wednesday, February 28th, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:For Oldtimes' Sake (and because I already wrote in my xanga)
Time:11:09 pm.
Mood: okay.
People Q's:

Do you know anyone who has never left their home state?: Yes.
Name one person you hate, and why: There's this Nobody guy...
Who do you talk to most on the phone?: Evan, I guess. But we haven't talked much this week. Talked mostly to Kim instead.
Who is your enemy?: Have I got one?
If you had to get married now, who would you want to marry?: Jason Mraz. Or myself. Either one would drive me nuts... Realistically, though, I guess, um, Evan... Yeah.
Who do you have a crush on now?: Go figure. It's more fun that way.
Your best friend: Mollye, ImKim, Evan...
Who have you met online?: People. Some of them scary.
Who do you NOT want to meet?: Someone with a bucket of old fish guts and no balance.
Your first crush: Uhhh... My first kiddy crush was Niko Zook. My first real crush, which is actually kind of hard to determine, was probably Michael Hutchings, Tristan Payne, or Austin Sohl (in 7th grade when we were friends, before he got all popular and stuff).

'Would you' Q's

Would you try to take over the world?: Um, not really... Unless it was necessary, for some reason.
Would you chug beer?: Eck. No.
Would you date someone younger than you?: I have. I am. I would.
Would you kill someone?: I'm not sure if I could, in my right mind.
Would you cry if MySpace stopped working?: I think the world would experience a sudden gust of freshness and light.
Would you date someone you met online?: I had an eromance when I was a high school freshie. It didn't last long, but at least I got some good musical advice from it.
Would you flip off the pope?: ...No. Unless he really deserved it.
Would you pretend to be someone's bf/gf?: I have. It was a lot of fun.
Would you sell your soul to the Devil?: Maybe if I found out that he's really the nice guy and we've all had it all backwards or something. But I really don't think that's going to happen.

'Favorite' Q's

Orange juice or apple juice?: Orange.
What's your favorite store?: Uhhh... Trader Joe's? I don't really think about stores much.
Disney or Warner Brothers?: Old school Disney.
Favorite website?: Cacrew, yo!
Pink or blue?: Ooh, uhhh... pink! Or blue? =\
Hug or kiss?: Both!
Abercrombie or Hollister?: No thanks.
Cars or planes?: Cahs.
Favorite city?: I dunno. I'm not a city person. My favorite place on earth is Yosemite National Park.

'Do you' Q's

Do you still use film for cameras?: Nope. I want one of those cool old polaroid cameras, though.
Do you believe in hell?: Sorta.
Do you have any collections?: Yes. Music. Sugar Packets. Records.
Do you believe in free will?: Yes... Otherwise, what would be the point in asking?
Do you ever cook?: Yes. Lots. I love it. I'm awesome.
Do you pray?: Very occasionally.
Do you like having your picture taken?: Yes.

'Have you' Q's

Have you ever failed a grade?: No.
Have you ever walked more than a mile?: Yes. One time I stayed up all night, walked to Howarth Park at 6am, walked around the lake, walked to Will's house, and then walked home in (by then) 80 degree weather.
Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?: Yes. I remember a particularly hot time in front of a certain McDonald's. It's really fun kissing behind umbrellas too.
Have you ever driven a Ferrari?: No.
Have you ever fallen in love with a best friend?: Not best friend. At least not like that...
Have you ever told someone that you loved them?: Yes. Almost every day for longs times.
Have you ever tried to bite a dentist?: No.
Have you ever been high?: More times than I can count. Last time was Saturday night.
Have you ever gotten your tongue frozen to something?: An ice cube...
Have you ever considered suicide?: Yes.

Misc. Q's

When is your birthday?: March 17th
What do you think about homosexual marriage?: It's not my place to decide what others should do with their lives.
Are you registered to vote?: Yes.
What is one thing that annoys you?: Pushy and defensive people.
What do you think of reality TV?: Eh.
Name 4 things you always have with you: Cell phone, water, clothes, the usual accessories that I always wear...
Is there happiness in slavery?: Um, not usually.
If you could change one thing about yourself, it would be: I'd stop being so freaking shy.
Do you use email, IM, MySpace, or phone the most?: IM... and Cacrew... and Facebook.
Where did you last go on vacation?: Santa Barbara and Santa Cruz last weeks

Wednesday, February 21st, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:The Current Mental Dealie de Moi
Time:1:11 pm.
Mood: numb.
I've been feeling kind of "meh" and out of sorts for the past couple days, and I've got some good alone time now (I'm still in Santa Barbara), so I figured maybe some writing might help.

This week has been interesting so far. Interesting, enjoyable, confusing... a lot of things. Like most things, it's got me thinking about a bunch of things. Yesterday was probably the weirdest and hardest. Overall, it was definitely still a good day -or, at least, not a bad one. Most the day and the day before that, I kept having the sensitive, choked up, I-think-I'm-going-to-cry-at-any-moment-now-and-I-don't-even-know-why feeling that I get sometimes, especially when I'm on my period (and I was). I never did end up crying, and I still don't know specifically what caused it, but I think maybe a big part of it (aside from me being on my period) might have been me feeling sort of... without a place. And pathetic. And cowardly. And misunderstood, even by myself.

Like, I know that I must have a place. Technically, any place that I am is my place... So maybe if I feel out of place anywhere, I should try and make it a better place for me or move on to somewhere else? I don't know. It really isn't a matter of physical places, locations. That's not a problem to me, so far as I can tell because I don't really feel like there's anywhere I belong or much of anywhere that I couldn't find some appreciation for being in... And there are always things to do, anywhere you go... Still, I feel like I'm expected to have more of a purpose than I do now. Like I'm supposed to be doing more... And most of that insecurity isn't coming from myself and my own expectations for myself but from my parents and the people around me. I don't think that they're necessarily or completely wrong in having those expectations, and I do share some of those expectations with them for myself, but the pressure from others just makes me feel inadequate and guilty. Not good enough. Bad. It really scares me. I guess it makes me feel doubtful that I'll get what expected of me done right, even if I try to. And if I keep screwing those things up, then people will be even more let down, and everything will just get worse.

I wish all the pressure would just go away. I want to do things without an expectant audience. I want to feel like it's okay to be myself and to do things my own way, in my own time. If I felt that way, it would be so so SO -I can't even express how much- easier to do what's expected of me. -And, AND I would be happy about feeling free to be myself. I'd stop being quite so afraid of letting others down, so I could get stuff done. And then maybe other people would be more happy with me. I'd have a place.

Come to think of it, maybe the guilt and the feelings of inadequacy and inability to be comfortable being myself are a part of what's been making me feel so much without a place. I suppose that in my mind, I've been sort of ostracizing myself from the rest of the human race because I feel unworthy of having a place amongst them. Worthless, in any practical sense. I don't deserve a place because I would be a letdown either from all the mistakes and mess-ups I would make or because I'd be misunderstood and not what people wanted me to be...

It makes sense that that's what's got me feeling this way because, as I said earlier, physical places (or locations) don't really concern me insofar as satisfaction with life or happiness go. It's me in my mind and the people who are around me that make a place what it is to me. I could be anywhere, but the main factor in my feelings about life and that place and my situation will be the feelings of the other people around me and myself. That's just my style.

Anyway, yesterday I was walking around the beach and the campus, here at UCSB, and I was realizing that a big part of me could imagine myself fitting into the general university experience and wishing that I could be. I feel stupid for having thrown away that opportunity during high school but angry at having been made to make that decision at such a confused and emotionally tumultuous time in my life. I didn't know any better. I was just trying on faces and testing the waters back then. I suppose I still am, to some extent. And I know that the opportunity is still there for me to transfer to a university... but that means getting through two years of community college.

I don't like community college. I'm not comfortable with learning around people who are older than me. I feel inferior to older people, and when I feel inferior, I get shy and discouraged and have trouble showing my best efforts at things, for fear that they aren't impressive, or even just good enough. Plus, I have my ADD to cope with, so between my anxieties and my swirling distraction-proned mind, it's tough for me to keep things in line. And that makes ever getting myself into a university seem... very, very... improbable.

I think that if I ever did make it, though, it'd be a lot of help to me to be around people who are around the same age and going through similar things as me. And I'd get to learn things. And become more "qualified" and better able to fulfill mine and other peoples' expectations for me.

And then I'd be pretty well off... However, this still leaves me with the question of: Now what? *sigh* Yep. So that's been what's on my mind.

Thursday, February 15th, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:My Soul is Stirring.
Time:2:34 am.
Mood: mystified.
Sometimes I don't feel real.

Other times life feels so big and immense and toweringly intense that I get knocked into perspective and notice that I'm here and I'm small and the time has passed and so much has gone that I've let go. Just watched it drift away or didn't even notice.

I've been burying me in me for a long time, and I don't know even if I've lived for a span enough to be called long. And there, once again, there's no telling. Perception. But that's not my objective here. In writing now.

There's just something I haven't let go of. But I have. But I haven't. It was all a show and trying to do the right thing. Trying to be kind or conscientious or diplomatic or good or... right? And I'm not so sure it was honest. And I don't know how or if I could've held on and made better of the situation. I was fighting myself and trying to be strong. Trying to hold onto some sense of pride and trying to heal. Putting faith in the future and in friendship. And, in the long run, I suppose I let fear get the best of me. Perhaps I should've known that was a nowhere way to go. Opportune moment, opportune moment it always was... And was what I'm waiting for all along and still. Perhaps it has passed. Perhaps it is infinite. Perhaps it goes on waiting for me. After all, the universe doesn't always make your moves for you. At least not to your mind's eye designing. Will there be a day? If I make it. in hand and in. time with the. universe.

Speaking of universes, is there a biverse? Do you think? Triverse? Quadroverse? *sigh* Minestroni time, perhaps. Sitars make me crazy. It might be nice.

My soul is alert tonight. It's... curious. And there's a sense. Of suspense. I wonder... Mmm... Jamaica? To see a new country might be nice. A new love with my forever love. Perhaps. Could be. Life...

Wednesday, February 14th, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:An Example of Mental Erosion and Destraction Due to Lack of Food and Love of Music
Time:7:37 pm.
Mood: crazy and drained and good.
You start to wonder about things when you've been with a guy for almost three years and he's always come through, one sweet, cute, adorable way or another, every single rare time you've ever begun to think that maybe things weren't right or considered doing some angry stupid girl thing. I mean, it's not like we don't ever get mad or that we don't ever have fights (however small and short-lived) or that things aren't ever hard or that the future for us doesn't ever look at all shakey or uncertain between us. Of course all that stuff happens. I think it's even good that it happens... But it's always turned out okay. Wonderful, really.

And it's funny to think that way back when we began, neither of us even expected that we'd last so long and grow to love each other so much. Haha, honestly, I gave it about four months, tops. That actually used to be a sort of long time to be going out for me, back when I said it. The longest I'd ever been with a guy then was, like, four and a half months -and the last two or something of that we barely even talked. So, yeahh... Um, I just forgot where I was going with this because I got distracted boogieing to Al Green. Oh yeah. It's been a really fucking long time, compared to what I expected. And that's a cool thing. Yeah.

Eee!! Jason Mraz! I love Jason Mraz! *ahem* >_> 0_0 <_< ^_^ I may have gone just a little bit brain dead and crazy from hunger and dehydration due to drooling over that intoxicatingly delicious dinner smell that's been filling the house for about three hours now, but I think mostly that any lover Jason Mraz's music, especially if they are female, can't help but have a giddy attack when "i'm yours" starts to play... Now that I feel like a dork and the song is over, though, um, next subject, I guess. I washed a bunch of windows and shutters today. Ate some tuna and cheese and crackers. With milk. Danced around the kitchen, par usual... Yup. It's been an exciting day. I think I should go eat dinner now. So, in a nutshell: Bob Dylan is cool. Evan and I are awesome, go us (that means I love you). I'm crazy and can't stay on topic. And Happy Valentimes Day. Go watch the new TGS.

Thursday, February 8th, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Time:4:32 pm.
Mood: a fun sort of cynical.
I maintain that having periods is as bad or worse as getting a kick in the nuts once every month.

And I'm really getting sick of having to use only my keyboard because my mouse won't work.

Wednesday, February 7th, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:I'm just growing. That's what people do.
Time:3:13 pm.
Mood: peaceful.
So I freaked out for a couple hours until I couldn't take it anymore and thought I'd take a chance at just taking deep breaths and telling myself I was okay, whether or not I believed it. Meditating. Well... It worked. For this time, it worked. So maybe I can make it keep working. Anyway, I started writing in my journal (my real one), and this is what I came up with:

"I am okay. I am strong. Sometimes people have hard times. That's okay. Sometimes people have breakdowns. It's normal. I am not a bad person because I feel scared or make mistakes sometimes. I am not crazy. As difficult as it may be for me to believe it sometimes, I will be alright, even on my own, and things will get better.

It's okay to feel scared. I am strong. I am okay.

There are many other people in the world worse off than me. There are people starving. There are people being abused and oppressed. There are people living without houses in cold weather. People with awful, debilitating, and deadly diseases who face the uncertainty of whether or not they'll be granted -whether they can hang on for- another year, month, day, hour, or minute on this earth.

There have been people who have survived weeks lost in the snowy, freezing wilderness, wild thick rainforests, or out on vast, hot deserts and plains, sick injured, or starving. People have walked across whole continents. They've designed ways to fly. They've stood atop the moon to come back home soon after and walk the earth again. There've been millions and billions of people or more throughout thousands and thousands of centuries (or more!) who have even just survived a simple, modest life.

I need to not take my problems so seriously. I need to realize again that they are small -and I am small- in the grand scheme of things. I need to accept that and try not to be so afraid of it. -Realize that it's okay. That that's the way it is. That I can and I will and I have and I am a part of this truth. I'm living this reality. And all I really have to do is get through it. Is to keep going.

And I will be okay."

-2 squish es - I wish to squish!-

Time:1:15 pm.
Mood: crushed.
So I tried to tell my mom, and even though I approached it openly, I got just the reaction I expected from her. She got all aggitated and told me it's all in my head and she's been far worse off and I've had a great childhood (she didn't exactly). She said why should I spend time and money getting therapy or something if someday I'm just going to realize that it was all in my head and I could've fixed it myself. And then she told me that Evan probably really is just tired of me and wants to see other people and thinks I'd do better by myself but he's just too nice to say so. I won't believe it because she's put these little thoughts in my head before that were far from the truth... but still, I keep feeling like people hate me. I know it's probably somewhat irrational, but I don't know how to shake it. And I feel terrible because I keep losing all of these friends just because I don't talk to them, and I don't talk to them because I've gotten all shy and don't know what to say. It's not that I don't care, but I think that's what they think. And I've got this big dark cloud that hovers around me and presses in. I feel so alone and afraid and stupid that it makes me sick to my stomach and almost like the only reason I don't want to die is that dying would be more pointless than living is for me and killing myself would be more pathetic than not. So then I don't know what else to do or who to talk to and all I can do is cry or try to sleep it away and wait for it to pass. But it's been passing less and less and it's only been getting worse. It's almost haunting. I keep trying to tell myself that things will get better and that someday things will be better, but it's been really hard for me to believe it, even if I know that it makes sense. It feels like I'm sinking into this awful pit of... hell. But I know that it must get worse. Gosh, I just don't know what to do. I wish someone would hold me and help me through this, but I feel dumb for thinking that. Maybe my parents are right and I am just being a stupid coward. But I don't know where to begin or how to make myself or even what to do in the first place. And who would want to deal with helping me anyway? This probably all sounds dumb. Maybe I should just pretend like it isn't there. Maybe it's not and that'll make it disappear. I don't know. I just don't know. I just don't know...

Tuesday, January 30th, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Time:7:10 pm.
Mood: worn-out.
I'm depressed. I took a shower earlier just so that I could turn the sauna steam on and sit there on the plastic floor, letting the water and steam run through my hair, onto my face, over my closed eyes, and in little riverettes down my body. For the past few hours I've had this terribly heavy-feeling storm suction-sealed inside my brain. It aches but not, and I've had The Beatles, "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" stuck in my head for the most of the almost three hours before now. I feel like I should eat something, but I'm really just not in the mood (and, besides that, my stomach's upset). Mostly, I just want a break. I want a parting of clouds and some happy smooth-rolling. But I've got what I've got, and it'll be that 'til it's not.

I kind of wanna cry, but that's not been happening today, and all it provides is a temporary relief of a weakly hopeful several hours following, anyway. Screaming might help as well, but that would draw the upset attention of people I really don't want to have it from right now. Prob'ly would make me feel crazy again too. I'd like to screaming on a beach with some friends at night, though. That would be nice.

And a back massage. And an Evan to snuggle against amidst the glow of some half-watched movie. Maybe even to cry on some. *sheepish mushy half-smile*

"Across the Universe" and admission is helping some. Even just The Beatles. And writing. Why did I wait so long to do this? I guess maybe it was because I thought you guys would think I was stupid -you know, that I'd lose some "cool points" for having one of these long, self-pitious, and depressing LiveJournal entries to scroll over several times on your Friends page. But as Ellen DeGeneres has said (and, by the way, I love her), "What other people think of me is none of my business". And converse-or-whatever-ly, I suppose what you won't probably be thinking of me is none of my business, as well. *sigh* So that's good too. I think I can deal with that. :)

Now the question in the back of my mind is, "Should I begin trying to explain what it is exactly that's been so 'wrong' with my life these days?" Because I know very well that I could be closing up my journal entry somewhere around here, all neat and tidy and (comparatively) happy-sounding... but that would really leave a lot unsaid.

Perhaps a list will do fine:
1. No job/No response from places I've applied
2. Because of that, my dad and I have been fighting a lot so I've been unsuccessfully trying to avoid him.
3. He's also been grumpy because his job is mucho sucky, as of late, and my family is financially fucked hard.
4. That includes me, just not so much because I don't owe anything to anyone (that I can think of)
5. The only reason I don't owe anything anymore is because my parents are selling my car -Ooh yay! :P because I can't make monthly payments
6. I can't go to school because no one can afford it and (despite our situation) my dad makes too much for me to get any federal financial aid. They don't care that my parents aren't claiming me anymore, just that I'm still living with them.
7. Because my parents aren't claiming me anymore, I'm unemployed, and I can't go to school, I don't have any health insurance.
8. It sucks that I don't have health insurance because I'm absolutely positively sure that I have severe Social Anxiety Disorder, I'm depressed, and my ADD is NOT helping me cope with that. I've never been the type before to consent to doing this sort of thing before, but I really, really, really feel like I need to see a therapist or something. Of course, even if I could figure out how to afford it I'm also too shy and disorganized to actually call one.
9. This all affects my self-esteem in a cruel and vicious cyclic effect.
10. And now Evan and I have been talking about taking a break or breaking up, not because of any real problem or change of feelings towards one another but for independence's sake and maybe just because life is so mundanely hectic and upside-down and confusing and changing. We want to see other people someday because... Well, it doesn't feel like it's time to stop yet. There's more to live first. Yet, for me at least, splitting up... just no. Lol, oddly the first thing that comes to mind for me right now is very, very strong Velcro and that terrible scratchy sound that it makes when it's pulled apart. I think that's just my sense of humor's weak little cry from underneath the imaginary shoe that's squashing him. I can see it quite clearly and cartoony in my mind's eye, really. It's kind of sad but cute. I'm probably so worry-worn-out right now to feel sad for a moment. But yeah. Breaking up is sad and hard to do. And I really don't want to do that yet -because it still sounds more bad than good and I love Evan very much. In spite of my wanting to see other people someday. Agh.

Oh, and I had another ex sex dream last night. Joi. (Not really)

Friday, January 26th, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Time:4:47 pm.
Mood: scared in a good way.
There's been some stuff going on. I'm trying to be awesome again.

I think I need a confidence injection. And some creative activity. Good thing I've got those and I'm gonna be okay.

Thursday, January 25th, 2007

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:Neil Young - Hangin' On A Limb
Time:10:10 pm.
Mood: hoping.
Though the river flows
Gently to the sea
He was on the shore
Rooted like a tree
She was here and there
Riding on the waves
Through it all she heard his call
And gave it all she gave.

And though their love
was hangin' on a limb
She taught him how to dance
and start again
And though their love
was hangin' on a limb
She taught him how to dance.

And when the melody
Through the window called
It echoed in the courtyard
And whispered in the halls
He played it through the night
She knew he had to go
There was something about freedom
He thought he didn't know.

And though their love
was hangin' on a limb
She taught him how to dance
and start again
And though their love
was hangin' on a limb
She taught him how to dance.

Though the river flowed
Gently to the sea
He was on the shore
Rooted like a tree
She was here and there
Riding on the waves
Through it all she heard his call
And gave it all she gave.

And though their love
was hangin' on a limb
She taught him how to dance.

Saturday, December 16th, 2006

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:Me Being Corny and Dorky and Awesome That Way Again
Time:3:59 pm.
Mood: giggley.
Demetri the kitty likes bubbles. It's cute.

Today I thought I would try making a Christmas tree out of cardboard tubes and maybe some sticks and paper or branches or leaves or something, but my parents don't seem to like the idea as much. Thing is, it's my dad's turn to pick the Christmas tree this year, but he says he doesn't want a tree... But everyone else does. I know that my family might not be getting presents this year, and that's fine. We won't be decorating with lights because of global warming and because it runs up the electrical bill so much. My dad doesn't want to get the other decorations down either. I offered to do it (I usually do anyway), but my mom didn't seem to want me to because of my dad and because I guess "Christmas just isn't fun anymore" to her... It's kinda sad. I'm thinking maybe I should just make a tree anyway. And some paper snow flakes. And holiday sugar cookies and peanut brittle. In fact, I wonder what they would do if I spent the little money I have left to just go buy some little Charlie Brown tree. Just because stuff is hard this year and there's stuff to be down about, doesn't mean that we have to let it make us all humbuggish about Christmas! People get too stressed out this time of year. But if I've learned anything at all from the Grinch and the Whos of Whoville, damnit, my family (at the very least, us kids) is going to have a great Christmas this year! And Maybe I'll find "How The Grinch Stole Christmas" on YouTube and send it to my parents.

Completely unrelatedly, I really hope to do another scavenger hunt again tonight with friends because the last one was totally fuckign awesome, and now that every one's back, I've really been wanting to do one again. Besides, it'd be a cool way to show JaX's gf Jenna, who's down from Canada for a week, around Santa Rosa.

Also, I tried Evan's margarita last night and have decided that that stuff is like "Fucking LIFE in a cup!" Very uplifting and happy wonderful flavor... Um, granted, it was only virgin cause we were at Chevy's for Spen's birthday (yes, he looks cool in his green-trimmed sombrero), but someday if I can help it I will be trying the real thing. Haha, but first maybe I should wait until I'm a bit more mentally and emotionally stable again.... maybe. =D

Friday, December 15th, 2006

-I wish to squish!-

Subject:I should have known.
Time:2:19 am.
Mood: amused.
It's inevitable that when one dresses up specially in any way with a particular someone in mind, 75% of the time their day will go differently than they had planned in such a way that they never actually end up seeing that particular someone and so they have to go and do it again some other day. Also, it isn't uncommon for the person who is dressing up to be completely caught off guard looking icky and messy and bummy by said particular person upon their next meeting. And that, my dear friends, is life.

Wednesday, December 13th, 2006

-1 squish - I wish to squish!-

Subject:Social Anxiety Disorder. There. I said it.
Time:9:47 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Nobody I know gets it. The psychiatrists in the books understand. The people they write about that have come to them for help (wherever they are) understand. Other people like me who hide away, fretting and hating themselves in their houses and heads know what it's like. But I don't know who they are or where they are, and I really doubt that they know who or where I am. My parents don't get it. My dad gets all frustrated because he doesn't understand, and I can't seem to explain it so that he will. Even if I could make him understand, I'd still feel awful because I'm supposed to be better than this. I can't afford to be the way that I am. My family can't afford it. And every time my parents go to me wondering why I haven't changed and why I haven't fixed myself yet or figured stuff out, and every time they ask me why I'm not worried or sensitive or ashamed enough about their problems that I can just get over my own and get a life and help out, and every time they tell me that it doesn't make sense and that it's all in my head and why can't I just trust them (and they do these things daily), I just feel more terrible about myself and deep down inside in that place that I'm trying to heal myself in, I just hate myself a little more. And each time one of those little rain drops of hate adds itself to the pre-existing puddle, the ripples go out all around like waves that spill in all directions and wash out the small fresh steps I've made in the direction of curing myself. And I can't blame them either... I know that it might really help me a lot to get a doctor, but although I've looked into it, I haven't gotten up the courage to follow through. I feel so ridiculous and stupid and crazy, even though I know I'm not the only one who's gone or goes through this sort of thing. And, one day, I know that it'll be behind me and I may even look back on these days and laugh... but right now, I just want it all to go away. If I weren't a coward or was less couragous or less curious or didn't have so much pride or if I didn't worry about hurting other people, I might just wish to end it all. Even saying stuff like that makes me feel stupid. But I feel that there almost must be a reason that I'm here this way. So perhaps it isn't such a bad thing, and I guess we'll all see what happens and then how we feel about it.

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006

-3 squish es - I wish to squish!-

Subject:Pay No (Much) Mind...
Time:5:23 pm.
Mood: sillydorkychipper... giddy?.
Okay, I haven't posted twice in a day in forever, but I was on the website when they announced it: Jason Mraz has a new upcoming tour date (the only one) for January 20th... It's an acoustic show at a resort in Nevada. Nevada has snow then. Certain people will be done with abstaining from the use of a certain wonderful substance. HMM... Yeah, I'm probably crazy. I guess you never know, but I'm still probably crazy. By then, it'll have been a month since I've been to any shows (assuming I don't go to any before then). Maybe, maybe, maybe...

I'll write a stunning poem of admiration just for the occasion, and then Jason will realize that he loves me and we'll be new-age hippie avocado farmers together. In my dreams. Gosh, I hate silly celebrity crushes... They're too fun and stupid. It's great.

My sister is bringing my A- poem (I only forgot a stupid apostrophe) from 7th grade to Mrs. Londo (she has her now, same period: 2nd) to see if she remembers it because I guess she thinks it'll be cool or something. I suppose it'll be interesting to see what she has to say.

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