NiNi* (xrockangelx) wrote,
NiNi*
xrockangelx

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The Current Mental Dealie de Moi

I've been feeling kind of "meh" and out of sorts for the past couple days, and I've got some good alone time now (I'm still in Santa Barbara), so I figured maybe some writing might help.

This week has been interesting so far. Interesting, enjoyable, confusing... a lot of things. Like most things, it's got me thinking about a bunch of things. Yesterday was probably the weirdest and hardest. Overall, it was definitely still a good day -or, at least, not a bad one. Most the day and the day before that, I kept having the sensitive, choked up, I-think-I'm-going-to-cry-at-any-moment-now-and-I-don't-even-know-why feeling that I get sometimes, especially when I'm on my period (and I was). I never did end up crying, and I still don't know specifically what caused it, but I think maybe a big part of it (aside from me being on my period) might have been me feeling sort of... without a place. And pathetic. And cowardly. And misunderstood, even by myself.

Like, I know that I must have a place. Technically, any place that I am is my place... So maybe if I feel out of place anywhere, I should try and make it a better place for me or move on to somewhere else? I don't know. It really isn't a matter of physical places, locations. That's not a problem to me, so far as I can tell because I don't really feel like there's anywhere I belong or much of anywhere that I couldn't find some appreciation for being in... And there are always things to do, anywhere you go... Still, I feel like I'm expected to have more of a purpose than I do now. Like I'm supposed to be doing more... And most of that insecurity isn't coming from myself and my own expectations for myself but from my parents and the people around me. I don't think that they're necessarily or completely wrong in having those expectations, and I do share some of those expectations with them for myself, but the pressure from others just makes me feel inadequate and guilty. Not good enough. Bad. It really scares me. I guess it makes me feel doubtful that I'll get what expected of me done right, even if I try to. And if I keep screwing those things up, then people will be even more let down, and everything will just get worse.

I wish all the pressure would just go away. I want to do things without an expectant audience. I want to feel like it's okay to be myself and to do things my own way, in my own time. If I felt that way, it would be so so SO -I can't even express how much- easier to do what's expected of me. -And, AND I would be happy about feeling free to be myself. I'd stop being quite so afraid of letting others down, so I could get stuff done. And then maybe other people would be more happy with me. I'd have a place.

Come to think of it, maybe the guilt and the feelings of inadequacy and inability to be comfortable being myself are a part of what's been making me feel so much without a place. I suppose that in my mind, I've been sort of ostracizing myself from the rest of the human race because I feel unworthy of having a place amongst them. Worthless, in any practical sense. I don't deserve a place because I would be a letdown either from all the mistakes and mess-ups I would make or because I'd be misunderstood and not what people wanted me to be...

It makes sense that that's what's got me feeling this way because, as I said earlier, physical places (or locations) don't really concern me insofar as satisfaction with life or happiness go. It's me in my mind and the people who are around me that make a place what it is to me. I could be anywhere, but the main factor in my feelings about life and that place and my situation will be the feelings of the other people around me and myself. That's just my style.

Anyway, yesterday I was walking around the beach and the campus, here at UCSB, and I was realizing that a big part of me could imagine myself fitting into the general university experience and wishing that I could be. I feel stupid for having thrown away that opportunity during high school but angry at having been made to make that decision at such a confused and emotionally tumultuous time in my life. I didn't know any better. I was just trying on faces and testing the waters back then. I suppose I still am, to some extent. And I know that the opportunity is still there for me to transfer to a university... but that means getting through two years of community college.

I don't like community college. I'm not comfortable with learning around people who are older than me. I feel inferior to older people, and when I feel inferior, I get shy and discouraged and have trouble showing my best efforts at things, for fear that they aren't impressive, or even just good enough. Plus, I have my ADD to cope with, so between my anxieties and my swirling distraction-proned mind, it's tough for me to keep things in line. And that makes ever getting myself into a university seem... very, very... improbable.

I think that if I ever did make it, though, it'd be a lot of help to me to be around people who are around the same age and going through similar things as me. And I'd get to learn things. And become more "qualified" and better able to fulfill mine and other peoples' expectations for me.

And then I'd be pretty well off... However, this still leaves me with the question of: Now what? *sigh* Yep. So that's been what's on my mind.
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