NiNi* (xrockangelx) wrote,
NiNi*
xrockangelx

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Spill.

So I tried to tell my mom, and even though I approached it openly, I got just the reaction I expected from her. She got all aggitated and told me it's all in my head and she's been far worse off and I've had a great childhood (she didn't exactly). She said why should I spend time and money getting therapy or something if someday I'm just going to realize that it was all in my head and I could've fixed it myself. And then she told me that Evan probably really is just tired of me and wants to see other people and thinks I'd do better by myself but he's just too nice to say so. I won't believe it because she's put these little thoughts in my head before that were far from the truth... but still, I keep feeling like people hate me. I know it's probably somewhat irrational, but I don't know how to shake it. And I feel terrible because I keep losing all of these friends just because I don't talk to them, and I don't talk to them because I've gotten all shy and don't know what to say. It's not that I don't care, but I think that's what they think. And I've got this big dark cloud that hovers around me and presses in. I feel so alone and afraid and stupid that it makes me sick to my stomach and almost like the only reason I don't want to die is that dying would be more pointless than living is for me and killing myself would be more pathetic than not. So then I don't know what else to do or who to talk to and all I can do is cry or try to sleep it away and wait for it to pass. But it's been passing less and less and it's only been getting worse. It's almost haunting. I keep trying to tell myself that things will get better and that someday things will be better, but it's been really hard for me to believe it, even if I know that it makes sense. It feels like I'm sinking into this awful pit of... hell. But I know that it must get worse. Gosh, I just don't know what to do. I wish someone would hold me and help me through this, but I feel dumb for thinking that. Maybe my parents are right and I am just being a stupid coward. But I don't know where to begin or how to make myself or even what to do in the first place. And who would want to deal with helping me anyway? This probably all sounds dumb. Maybe I should just pretend like it isn't there. Maybe it's not and that'll make it disappear. I don't know. I just don't know. I just don't know...
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