NiNi* (xrockangelx) wrote,
NiNi*
xrockangelx

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Blue

I'm depressed. I took a shower earlier just so that I could turn the sauna steam on and sit there on the plastic floor, letting the water and steam run through my hair, onto my face, over my closed eyes, and in little riverettes down my body. For the past few hours I've had this terribly heavy-feeling storm suction-sealed inside my brain. It aches but not, and I've had The Beatles, "I Want You (She's So Heavy)" stuck in my head for the most of the almost three hours before now. I feel like I should eat something, but I'm really just not in the mood (and, besides that, my stomach's upset). Mostly, I just want a break. I want a parting of clouds and some happy smooth-rolling. But I've got what I've got, and it'll be that 'til it's not.

I kind of wanna cry, but that's not been happening today, and all it provides is a temporary relief of a weakly hopeful several hours following, anyway. Screaming might help as well, but that would draw the upset attention of people I really don't want to have it from right now. Prob'ly would make me feel crazy again too. I'd like to screaming on a beach with some friends at night, though. That would be nice.

And a back massage. And an Evan to snuggle against amidst the glow of some half-watched movie. Maybe even to cry on some. *sheepish mushy half-smile*

"Across the Universe" and admission is helping some. Even just The Beatles. And writing. Why did I wait so long to do this? I guess maybe it was because I thought you guys would think I was stupid -you know, that I'd lose some "cool points" for having one of these long, self-pitious, and depressing LiveJournal entries to scroll over several times on your Friends page. But as Ellen DeGeneres has said (and, by the way, I love her), "What other people think of me is none of my business". And converse-or-whatever-ly, I suppose what you won't probably be thinking of me is none of my business, as well. *sigh* So that's good too. I think I can deal with that. :)

Now the question in the back of my mind is, "Should I begin trying to explain what it is exactly that's been so 'wrong' with my life these days?" Because I know very well that I could be closing up my journal entry somewhere around here, all neat and tidy and (comparatively) happy-sounding... but that would really leave a lot unsaid.

Perhaps a list will do fine:
1. No job/No response from places I've applied
2. Because of that, my dad and I have been fighting a lot so I've been unsuccessfully trying to avoid him.
3. He's also been grumpy because his job is mucho sucky, as of late, and my family is financially fucked hard.
4. That includes me, just not so much because I don't owe anything to anyone (that I can think of)
5. The only reason I don't owe anything anymore is because my parents are selling my car -Ooh yay! :P because I can't make monthly payments
6. I can't go to school because no one can afford it and (despite our situation) my dad makes too much for me to get any federal financial aid. They don't care that my parents aren't claiming me anymore, just that I'm still living with them.
7. Because my parents aren't claiming me anymore, I'm unemployed, and I can't go to school, I don't have any health insurance.
8. It sucks that I don't have health insurance because I'm absolutely positively sure that I have severe Social Anxiety Disorder, I'm depressed, and my ADD is NOT helping me cope with that. I've never been the type before to consent to doing this sort of thing before, but I really, really, really feel like I need to see a therapist or something. Of course, even if I could figure out how to afford it I'm also too shy and disorganized to actually call one.
9. This all affects my self-esteem in a cruel and vicious cyclic effect.
10. And now Evan and I have been talking about taking a break or breaking up, not because of any real problem or change of feelings towards one another but for independence's sake and maybe just because life is so mundanely hectic and upside-down and confusing and changing. We want to see other people someday because... Well, it doesn't feel like it's time to stop yet. There's more to live first. Yet, for me at least, splitting up... just no. Lol, oddly the first thing that comes to mind for me right now is very, very strong Velcro and that terrible scratchy sound that it makes when it's pulled apart. I think that's just my sense of humor's weak little cry from underneath the imaginary shoe that's squashing him. I can see it quite clearly and cartoony in my mind's eye, really. It's kind of sad but cute. I'm probably so worry-worn-out right now to feel sad for a moment. But yeah. Breaking up is sad and hard to do. And I really don't want to do that yet -because it still sounds more bad than good and I love Evan very much. In spite of my wanting to see other people someday. Agh.

Oh, and I had another ex sex dream last night. Joi. (Not really)
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